Artemis Fowl and Percy Jackson read Artemis Fowl
by Black Phoenix 7777
Summary: After the end of the Titan War, the Fates gather certain half-bloods, humans and fairies and have the read about the adventures of two young men with the gods. Without asking said young men for permission first. For extra amusment, they bring heroes form the future, a dead fairy and a parent who has no idea what his son been up to. Let the fun begin.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.**

**PROLOGUE**

The day after the renovation of Olympus had finished, the Olympians had gathered to discuss about the recently ended war with the Titans and about the future. Apparently, Athena had seen some worrying signs concerning the Romans, which put her in a pretty bad mood, and Hera was muttering about Gaea awakening. Zeus told them they were imagining things. They argued.

Soon enough, the all-out shouting match that was customary for such meetings began, though for once Hades wasn't part of the cause. He was, in fact quite glad. It had been quite a while since his immortal family had treated him with anything other than a combination of mistrust, disdain and fear. He was thankful to his son for persuading him to help them fight Kronos.

He gave his sister Hestia an apologetic smile. Now he understood how trying the whole situation had been for her all these centuries. She smiled back at him. She was simply glad that at least one family problem, one of the biggest, was almost completely gone.

And so, since these two were the calmest in the room, they were the first to sense something was wrong.

Hades jumped to his feet. "ENOUGH!" he roared. Everyone's attention turned to him, some curious, some angry at him for interrupting them.

He raised his hand to stop anyone from speaking, or rather, if he interpreted his youngest brother's look correctly, shouting. "Can't you feel this?"

The rest gods, worried now, turned their attention outwards and immediately knew what Hades was talking about. The throne room had been cut off from the outside world completely, now existing in a separate space and time.

While not overly difficult for gods to do, as long as one had a certain amount of finesse, it was something rarely done because it simply served no purpose. Any one of them could break out of it easily, let alone all fourteen of them.

Just as they were about to do just that to see if anything happened while they were there, three figures clad in white appeared in the middle of the room.

The gods recognized them and shivered. None of them liked to even think of the Moirae, the goddesses that governed fate, let alone see them.

"Worry not, Olympians. We don't bring ill tidings." One of them, Lachesis, said.

"Then why are you here. And why did you cut us of from the rest of the world?" Asked Zeus wearily.

"Because it's only here that we can do what we want to do." Said Clotho.

"And what is it that you want to do?" Asked Hera exasperated. For all their usually grave demeanor, there were times she could swear the fates were almost as dramatic as her husband was.

Atropos cackled. "To have you read."

"Read? You want us to read?" Scoffed Ares, but he shrunk back as soon as Atropos looked at him.

"Yes, God of War, read. Two different stories. One is about your children, and the war you just fought, and the next."

The gods were all surprised at the 'next' part, but before they could comment on it, Clotho spoke and her voice was almost a whisper.

"The other story," she said, "is about what what it means to do what you all have fantasized about, at one time or another. About what it means to defy and alter fate. Yes...what it _means_..."

"...what it _takes_..." Continued Lachesis.

"...and what must be _sacrificed_ to do it." Finished Atropos.

The gods were silent for quite a while at that. Eventually, Athena spoke. "So, where are these stories that we must read?"

Clotho clicked her fingers in response, and two piles of books appeared in front of her. Athena looked at the first book in each pile. One was titled _Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief_. Easy enough to guess what that one was about. The other one's title was a simple name: _Artemis Fowl_. She looked at the Fates again, and saw they were smirking.

"Now all that's left to do is call forth the necessary audience." Said Lachesis and clicked her fingers. This time instead of books, two groups of people appeared.

One appeared close to the gods, and they immediately knew who they were. Percy Jackson was there, as well as Annabeth Chase and Thalia Grace. Nico was also there, as were Clarisse and Grover, even Hermes's twin-looking sons, Connor and Travis. Even Chiron was there. But there were others there too, that shouldn't be there. Athena scowled as she stared at the children she knew to be Roman demigods with distaste. Jason and Reyna, the two praetors of the Roman camp were there, and that was to be expected. But she didn't expect the rest. An unclaimed demigod named Frank Zhang and three more she did not recognize. They were one boy and two girls. The boy had curly black hair, dark brown eyes and pointy ears. The first of the girls was dark-skinned and had shoulder-length curly cinnamon brown hair and gold eyes. The last girl had dark tanned skin, chocolate brown hair and her eyes seemed to change color, going from brown to blue to green.

But it was the other group, the one that appeared on the other side of the room, that most attracted her attention. There were twelve of them, but she couldn't tell many details, other than that one of them towered over the rest and that some of them weren't humans, because they were huddled around one person.

They separated and turned towards the rest of them and looked their surroundings for the first time. They were understandably surprised. Or at least most of them were. One of them either wasn't, or he recovered from it remarkably fast. He was a pale young man of around seventeen years of age with raven hair. But the weird part was his eyes. One was a brilliant blue, but the other was hazel. Both were looking at them analytically. Next to him, what looked like a very short centaur whispered something to him. When he responded, his voice was purposely loud enough to be heard by everyone in the room. "Unless I miss my mark, they are the ancient Greek gods." Remarkable. He figured out, and seemingly accepted, who they were almost immediately. Even her children couldn't do that.

She quietly warned the demigods, satyr and centaur to stay put and be silent before getting up from her throne and walking towards the fates, not leaving the strange group from her eyes. They were talking now, probably trying to figure out what was going on. She observed that they were turned towards the pale young man-Artemis, if her suspicions were correct-as if expecting him to have all the answers. He turned around at one point, and looking at him from the side she saw another strange fact. The pointer of his right hand was longer than the middle finger. Almost as if they had exchanged places. She shook her head. That was a silly thought.

When she reached the Fates, she whispered them a question. "You said we will read of the future. If so, are we allowed to try and change it?" A slim hope, but better than none.

The Fates smiled at her, three identical, mocking, cruel smiles. "You may try. You might even succeed. If you are _able_."

"If you have what it _takes_."

"If you can bring yourself to make the necessary _sacrifices_."

With that, the Fates took a step back and spoke out loud. "Remember two things. First, you are not allowed to harm one another, not permanently anyway. Second, those of you that came from a time after the Titan War are not allowed to speak of what you've seen. Now farewell. And have fun." With that last mocking remark they disappeared.

With a sigh, Athena returned to her throne. This would be interesting, no doubt, assuming of course her family wouldn't resume trying to kill each other or that Artemis wouldn't try to kill the poor boy bearing her name. Who names a boy Artemis anyway? She shook her head. She had the funny feeling this would get confusing soon enough.

* * *

A few minutes earlier

Artemis had traveled across dimensions and time often enough to know when it happened. Admittedly, this time it was much smoother, but it was similar nonetheless. He looked around him. Holly, Butler, Foaly, Juliet, his parents, Mulch, No. 1, Qwan and Trouble Kelp stood next to him. Across the room was another group of people, some standing, some sitting on thrones. He didn't know the teenagers, but he recognized the people on the thrones. Even if he hadn't the items next to them would be a dead giveaway.

His first thought: _"This can't be happening."_

His second thought: _"There's a very tall centaur and what looks like a satyr over there. It might very well be possible. But if it is, that means..."_

He never finished that thought. Because he heard something impossible. A voice, chocked and quiet, full of disbelief said one word: "Holly?".

Artemis turned around as fast as he could, his mind working furiously even as he did. He was proud to say that he could count the number of times he forgot something in his life in one hand with fingers left over. All of them due to outside influences. And so he remembered that voice very well. And he knew it was impossible to hear it ever again. Only it wasn't. There, coming out from between Butler and Artemis's parents, looking exactly like he did the last time he saw him, only with pale face rather than the usual beet red, stood Commander Julius Root.

There was a moment of stunned silence and then Root was mobbed by Holly, Foaly, Trouble and even Mulch. Artemis hesitantly approached the mess of hugs, sobs and confused exclamations that the five members of the People had devolved into. He rather liked the Commander, but their few meetings had been less than stellar, and this entire situation was extremely weird, though it was becoming clearer by the second. His earlier hypothesis was almost certainly correct.

Meanwhile, his parents and the demons, who didn't know Root, approached, even more confused than before. Butler and Juliet looked at him questioningly. He nodded at them that yes, that was indeed Commander Julius Root, making his miraculous return from being blown to bits.

Butler grinned like a madman for instant and then reached to the mess and grabbed Root, picking him up as one would pick up a kitten.

Root's face instantly regained its natural complexion and was about to give Butler a piece of his mind when the bodyguard put him down in front of Artemis, chuckling as he did it.

Elf and human looked at each other and Root was surprised. The Mud Boy looked older, and not just in years. The look in his eyes, one blue and one hazel, much like Holly's (that was a story Root was both looking forward to and dreading to hear), was...older. Wiser and more tired. Oh, the arrogance and pride was still there, to be sure, but still. Root was actually afraid to know what turned the annoying, obnoxious little Mud Boy he remembered to the Mud Man that stood in front of him. He was further surprised when Artemis smiled at him and offered him his hand. Not one of his vampire-like smiles he remembered, but an honest one. "It's good to see you again, Commander. You had been sorely missed. I'm afraid to say your successors proved incapable of adequately filling your boots." Said Artemis, earning a glare from Kelp for his trouble.

Root grunted in acknowledgment. Coming from Artemis, that was as much a compliment as it was the actual truth. He would have Holly, Trouble and Foaly fill him in later about what happened with L.E.P after his death and deliver verbal beat downs as appropriate, but there was something more important right now.

"Fowl, what happened? Last thing I remember is ordering Holly to find you and protect you from Koboi. Did you get her? And why am I alive all of a sudden anyway? Not that I complain, mind you."

Artemis face darkened. "Oh, we got Koboi all right." For an instant there was so much venom in his voice that Root reflexively took a step back. The Mad Man looked positively evil when he said that.

Artemis relaxed and turned to look at the people across the room. "As for why you've come back to life...I have a theory, but you'll find it difficult to believe."

The rest of the group approached, staring at the opposite group and the three figures in the middle. "After everything we've been through, Arty, I would believe just about everything, especially coming from you. Now spill it." Said Holly hitting his shoulder lightly.

"Too true." Added Foaly before whispering in Artemis's ear. "Please tell me what I'm suspecting is wrong. Even for us this is ridiculous."

Instead of answering him, Artemis spoke out loud addressing the room at large. "Unless I miss my mark, they are the ancient Greek gods."

"D'Arvit."

"Artemis, what's going on?" Intervened Artemis Fowl Senior, looking at his son with narrowed eyes. "What was that about Greek gods? And more importantly, who and what are your...friends?" He said, staring at all the non-humans around, especially the demons. Which was amusing considering that, at least attitude-wise, the demons were the least dangerous people in the room, his wife included.

Artemis sighed. Time for diversionary tactics. "A big story for another time, father. For now we need to focus on what's going on and why we are here. And I meant what I said. I believe the men and women on the thrones are the ancient Greek gods. They look almost identical to depictions of them I've seen, and it's even more obvious by all the iconic items they have around them. It should be blatantly obvious from the lightning bolt and the trident, if nothing else. The teenagers are probably their children. There are similarities if you look close enough. Also, judging from our manner of arrival, I believe we're in another dimension or world."

He looked at Qwan, the resident expert when it came to magic, especially time and dimension travel, for confirmation. The demon warlock nodded. "It definitely felt like dimension travel, though the smoothness of the journey and the overall experience was beyond exceptional. I would need at least two dozen warlocks to achieve the same effect." He paused and thought. "That or six No.1s and Artemis."

Everyone looked at him and he shrugged. "Time and dimension travel is as much a matter of mental ability as it is of magical ability and power. Artemis has an excellent mind. Speaking of which, we really should talk about your magic sometime soon Artemis. I've been meaning to talk to you about it since we returned from Limbo but something always came up and I forgot about it."

Artemis nodded, trying to ignore the fact his father and Root were staring holes at him after that new piece of information. "I know. I've been thinking about it too. We'll talk once we find a way out of this new mess we landed into. Shall we?"

With these words he led them towards the other group, making sure he didn't let his face show how nervous he was. He desperately hoped this wasn't the start of another 'save the world and two civilizations' adventure.

He observed that the old ladies where gone and that a ten-year old girl with eyes of fire had approached them. Obviously not a human. He glanced at the thrones and then looked at her again. "Hestia, the goddess of the hearth, I assume?"

She nodded happily at him. "Yes. Now come on, let's get you comfortable and make the introductions. I'm really interested in these books. The Fates have never done something like this before."

"Books?" Asked Artemis. He nodded thoughtfully as Hestia explained to him why they were there. It would kind of annoying having others read about him and certain situations would be awkward to say the least, but he would take annoying and awkward over life-risking any day of the week. _"Now let's hope mother and Root won't kill me once they find out about some of the things I've done."_ Judging from Holly's half-relieved, half-terrified face, she shared his thoughts. As for the others, the Butlers were amused, Mulch and Foaly were full of sadistic glee and the rest were eager. _"Hm. Maybe I should choose life-risking after all."_

* * *

The demigods looked at the approaching group with interest. Or, to be more exact, they were looking at Butler with interest. They had seen so many monsters that the fairies didn't seem particularly outlandish, but they had never seen a simple human as big and dangerous looking as Butler.

They had been told about the reason they were there and didn't mind. It would make for a nice break from hunting the remnants of Kronos's army, not to mention it could warn them for a future danger. Win-win. Of course, Percy had to resign himself to fact that his friends would tease the life out of him, but what can you do?

Unlike the rest of her fellow half-bloods, Annabeth's attention was not on the giant of a man, but to the young man leading the group, walking alongside Lady Hestia. He was almost a kindred spirit. Almost, but now quite. He was definitely intelligent and he knew it. She could see it in his eyes and posture. But there was something off about him. Something different.

Then he reached them and she knew what it was. He didn't greet them, didn't acknowledge the gods and didn't introduce himself. Instead he headed straight for her mother, muttered a "May I?", took one of the books without waiting an answer and started leafing through it. All the demigods and gods held their breath, waiting for the blatant disrespect to be punished.

Annabeth most of all. Now she realized what was off. He was arrogant, proud and utterly certain that there was no one better than he was. It was remarkably similar to her mother. But he was no god. It was hubris of the highest magnitude. And Athena was notorious for her hatred of that particular flaw, as Arachne could attest.

But to everyone's surprise, there was no punishment. Athena was simply looking at him, waiting. Seconds later he closed the book and put it back in its place. "What's written in there is true, no doubt about it." he said as he grabbed the top book of the other pile. He looked at it. Then rolled his eyes. "Way to spoil part of the plot before the story even begins."

Annabeth desperately wanted to have her eyes checked. For a second she thought she saw her mother smirk and almost chuckle. That wasn't possible!

Then the man turned to them and spoke. "I assume one of you is Percy Jackson?"

Percy stepped forward at that. "That's me." The other man nodded and handed him the book. "Good. Look at this and tell me if what is written in it is true. The fist few pages should be enough if you can recall the events described."

Percy didn't like been ordered, but he did it after a glare from Athena. He knew that arguing with his girlfriend's mother wouldn't end well. For him.

So he read the first few pages...and groaned. They were correct. The problem was they were in first person view. HIS first person view. If Annabeth didn't kill him by the end of the books, the gods probably would. _"Maybe I should have accepted that godhood offer."_ He thought as he returned the book, saying it was correct.

* * *

Artemis returned the book to Athena. "I have a question. Have you ever heard of the People?" he asked her. She lifted an eyebrow and slowly shook her head.

Artemis nodded his head to himself. As expected. Just to be sure he asked Hades the same question, but he didn't know either. He turned to the humans and fairies from his own world. "Well, that makes it official, we definitely aren't in our dimension any more. Maybe not even our world."

He turned back to Athena. "One last question. Is it possible for you to return us to our world?"

She thought about it. "No, no without knowing where the Fates brought you from and how exactly they did it."

"I see. If you would give us a few moments." He returned to his own group and gathered them around him.

"What do you think, No.1, Qwan? If they helped us, could you take us back?"

Qwan's reply was immediate. "Possibly. Probably even. But not certainly. And of course, the correct time would be a problem, as you know. Besides..."

"You are curious about them." Artemis finished his sentence. "So am I. What do the rest of you think?"

They all agreed, for their own reasons, though Holly still looked reluctant.

Artemis turned to the gods again. "Well then, lets get it over with. Though first I believe introductions and something to sit on are in order. This is going to be a lengthy reading. No reason to make it more uncomfortable than it has to be."

"Very well." Hera nodded and with a clap of her hands various chairs, sofas and cushions appeared so that both otherworldly visitors and demigods could sit. The centaurs were momentarily neglected, until a quick conference between Foaly and Hephaestus solved that particular problem. Chiron thanked his smaller kindred profoundly.

Artemis was headed for a chair when Holly grabbed him and seated him on a sofa between her and Butler. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"If you sit in a chair, Butler will spend the entire time standing behind you, even if he knows you are in no danger. He isn't as young as he used to be you know. Think about him, Arty." She explained.

"And here I was, thinking that you simply wanted Butler close buy to hide behind in the numerous cases that a certain commander will, inevitably, become furious with you." He replied sardonically.

Holly hit his arm again, harder this time. "Anyone ever told you you're too smart for your own good, Mud Boy?"

"It has been mentioned a few times. A lie, I'm certain."

Butler smiled at their banter while Artemis Fowl Snr tried to understand who that person was and what had he done with his son.

Finally, it was time for introductions. The gods introduced themselves first. Artemis was right in his guess about who was who, though he didn't foresee Apollo introducing himself as "The most beautiful and awesome of the gods, the brilliant god of sun, music, healing, prophecy and archery, the magnificent Apollo." Kind of disconcerting, but his face when his twin sister called him an overblown bag of hot air was amusing enough. Also, apropos.

The centaur was Chiron and the satyr was called Grover Underwood, but he was mostly interested in the demigods.

He already knew Jackson from before, and know he learned the rest.

Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena.

Nico Di Angelo, son of Hades.

Thalia Grace, daughter of Zeus and hunter of Artemis. He saw one if the demigods in purple staring at her. Zeus on the other hand, was looking decidedly nervous. There were some similarities between the two. Siblings that didn't know about each other, perhaps? No, the boy seemed to know the girl. Come to think of it, from what Hestia told him the ones in purple and two from the oranges are from the future compared to the rest demigods and the gods. So the boy knew her but for the girl the meeting wouldn't have happened yet. That was going to be amusing.

Clarisse La Rue, daughter of Ares.

Connor and Travis Stoll, children of Hermes.

Then it was turn for the ones from the future to introduce themselves.

One of the girls was first, and introduced herself as Reyna daughter of Bellona and praetor of the Roman legion. THAT gave Artemis a lot more information and food for thought than any simple introduction had a right to. Especially since he saw most of the gods flicker to a different form for an instant. Hmm.

The Greek demigods obviously didn't now anything about it either, judging from their reactions. They were quickly quieted by Zeus however, who told them they weren't supposed to know, before admitting there was another camp for Roman demigods. Double hmm. Why separate them at all, unless...

He had no concrete proof yet, but he was forming a theory with pretty interesting connotations.

The boy he suspected was Thalia's brother was next and, after a glare for Zeus introduced himself as Jason, a legacy of Jupiter, legacy apparently being a descendant of a god rather than a child. Not bad. Hiding the truth with a half-truth. Old trick, but reliable.

Next was Frank Zhang, son of Mars and legacy of Poseidon. That seemed to attract the attention of Percy and Clarisse.

Then was Leo Valdez, a son of Hephaestus.

Only the girls where left. One was Piper McLean, a daughter of Aphrodite. Said goddess almost had a heart attack when she saw one of her children dressing like a tomboy. She tried to give her a makeover, but the girl stubbornly refused, much to Artemis's (both of them) amusement.

The last girl looked around nervously before introducing herself as Hazel Levesque, daughter of Pluto. Everyone looked at Hades, but he look right back, expressionless. Artemis was impressed. It was an impressive poker face. Even he couldn't get any clue about what Hades was thinking at the moment.

Finally, it was their turn. Artemis motioned his father to wait and had the fairies go first. Now, how to make Artemis promise not to shoot them on principle?

And so, the introductions began.

Holly Short, LEPrecon captain, elf.

Julius Root, LEP commander, elf.

Trouble Kelp, LEP commander, elf. Nice surprise for Julius, that.

Qwan, warlock, demon. That raised more than a few eyebrows.

No.1, warlock, demon. More raised eyebrows, this time due to the name. Leo rather liked the idea of someone actually introducing himself as No.1, but deflated slightly when the little demon said that was his actual name, if not in so few words.

Mulch Diggums, dwarf. "And a convict that should be locked in a maximum security prison for the 500 years." Grumbled Root.

"Ah, but how many times has this convict saved all your asses, Julius?" Mulch instantly shot back, winking at the rest of them. Apparently he wanted to keep his change in occupation a secret.

Foaly, centaur, smartest being I the universe. Which was immediately followed by a simultaneous "Self-proclaimed" by Mulch, Root and Holly. Artemis only said one word. "November." Foaly instantly deflated. He glared at Artemis. "I hate you Mud Boy, I really do."

"Your hate warms me all over, Donkey Boy. I could use it the next time a cold November comes around." Replied Artemis instantly. Of course, Holly and Mulch immediately pressed him to tell him what that meant. Dirt on Foaly was a rare and precious commodity.

"I would tell you, but I fear if I do our four-legged friend will start frothing at the mouth and devolve to his baser instincts. Another time, perhaps." He said, smiling mysteriously.

With Foaly silenced for the moment, they were free to continue.

Butler, who, ever loyal to his bodyguard code, refused to say his first name. A bodyguard serving the Fowl family. Artemis had warned him earlier not to say his or his father's name.

Juliet Butler, also in the service of the Fowl family and professional wrestler. Leo promptly tried to hit on her. Juliet promptly judo threw him all the way back to his seat. She was then promptly stolen by Clarisse who declared she had found a new honorary sister, receiving great applause from her father in response. The two women looked eager to start conversations that would make most people ran for the hills, but Artemis supposed that as long as they didn't start wrestling in the middle of the throne room it was fine.

Now for the tricky part. "Before I introduce myself and my family, I would like all the gods to swear no harm will come to us because of our names." he glanced meaningfully at Athena. The goddess of wisdom was the one with the books, and if she was as smart as she was supposed to be, she should have guessed his name by now. Thankfully, she was.

"I don't see the reason for it, but there's no reason not to do it. I swear it." Athena spoke quickly not giving anyone else the chance to talk. Inwardly she admired Artemis's ploy. It was simple enough, but effective. The gods were in a hurry to start the books, and they would trust her to lead them well in cases such as this. Once she swore, the rest followed suit almost immediately.

Artemis smiled his vampire smile and sat up to make the introductions. Seeing the smile, Holly and Butler shared a resigned look. There was not stopping him, they knew.

"First of all, my lovely mother, Angeline Fowl." A diversionary tactic to maker her lower her guard. Angeline made a curtsey to the gods. Apollo looked interested. Apollo received a triple dose of full powered Artemis glare. Apollo wisely back down.

Time to begin the attack. "Second, my father, Artemis Fowl Senior." Strike one. Critical hit.

All gods and demigods save Athena paled. Now they saw the reason for the oath. Their thoughts varied but they were all something like "Well, shit."

She understood what the 'Senior' meant, he could see it. She tried to brace herself, but he wouldn't give her the chance. "As for me, I'm Artemis Fowl the Second. A pleasure to meet you." Strike two. Critical hit.

Make that "Well, shit squared."

Artemis sat back down and smiled pleasantly at his namesake. Strike three. Rage meter full.

"WHAT?" The goddess of the hunt was on her feet and already had an arrow nocked when she was swarmed by Athena, Apollo and Hermes who fought desperately to hold her back. Butler fervently hoped they would succeed. He didn't think he would be able to protect his principal if an angry goddess was after him.

"TWO BOYS BEARING MY NAME? I"VE NEVER BEFORE BEEN INSULTED LIKE THIS!" Artemis was enraged and hell-bent on murder, but luckily for the other Artemis, Hephaestus and Ares had joined the Stop-The-Angry-Goddess-From-Killing-The-Amusing-But-Obviously-Suicidal-Kid Squad. Though Ares wasn't of much help, what with laughing his ass off.

"Damn it sis, calm down. We swore an oath. You can't harm him." Shouted Apollo even as Athena was reminding her that the Fates had prohibited them from harming each other. She conveniently left out the permanently part.

Eventually they managed to (somewhat) calm her down. She looked at him. Every non-god in the room was on pins and needles after her outburst. He was still smiling pleasantly at her. He either wasn't afraid of her or was hiding it extremely well. Either way, he deserved some small amount of respect. "Athena, get ready to read." Athena did so quietly. "We'll read the books boy. And if by the end I judge you have disgraced my name, no oath and no Fates will save you."

Artemis was about to needle her again, Holly could see it. She punch his arm, this time with enough strength to make him crash into Butler.

Artemis turned to her, rubbing his arm and lifting his eyebrow. Holly glared at him. Artemis chuckled but nodded obediently. Good Mud Boy.

Artemis turned to the goddess again. "I don't think you'll approve of all my choices. Even I don't approve of all the choices I've made. But I'll tell you this. I too am a hunter, albeit of a different kind than you. And I've done things even your greatest heroes haven't done."

The gods looked at him thoughtfully, but the half-bloods, understandably, took offense with that. "We saved the world from a threat it didn't even know existed. What did you do, stopped a shoplifting?" Shouted Thalia, angry on behalf of her friends', her fellow hunters' and her Lady's.

Artemis leaned forward, giving Thalia a vampire smile. "That sounds familiar... Tell me, Ms. Grace, how many times did you save the world?"

Thalia was startled. That wasn't the response she expected. "Once I guess. Why, how many times are we supposed to do it?" She asked defensively.

Artemis shook his head in mock disappointment. "Once. I see. Well, that something I suppose. Well, let's see how a simple mortal boy that was completely hopeless in any physical activity and had no weapon other than his mind fared, hm?" He leaned back. "Oh, and Ms. Grace...I never bother with shoplifting."

Holly and Butler exchanged a look. Truer words have never been spoken.

"Enough with this. Let's get started already." Said Athena as she opened the book and began to read.

**PROLOGUE**

**How does one describe Artemis Fowl? Various psychiatrists have tried and failed. The main problem is Artemis's own intelligence. He bamboozles every test thrown at him. He has puzzled the greatest medical minds and sent many of them gibbering to their own hospitals.**

Athena paused as she and everyone else stared at Artemis, some in disbelief, some weary and some awed. Artemis gave them an evil smile.

"I really shouldn't ask...but how old were you when that happened?" asked Apollo. He was the god of healing after all.

"The first time? Ten." Shocked silence. Athena continued.

**There is no doubt that Artemis is a child prodigy. But why does someone of such brilliance dedicate himself to criminal activities? **

She stopped again. "Criminal activities?" She asked. Judging from how resigned everyone that knew him looked (well, everyone but the dwarf was was giving him a thumbs up), she wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"Yes," affirmed Artemis. "criminal activities."

Hermes, Connor and Travis were giddy like kids on sugar high during Christmas. "Oooh. What kind of criminal activities?" Asked Hermes excitedly.

Artemis smiled slyly, but didn't answer, proving the truth of the next sentence.

**This is a question that can be answered by only one person. And he delights in not talking. **

Juliet, Mulch and Holly immediately shouted "Lies!"

**Perhaps the best way to create an accurate picture of Artemis is to tell the by now famous account of his first villainous venture. I have put together this report from first-hand interviews with the victims, and as the tale unfolds you will realize that this was not easy. The story began several years ago, at the dawn of the twenty-first century. Artemis Fowl had devised a plan to restore his family's fortune. A plan that could topple civilizations and plunge the planet into a cross-species war. He was twelve years old at the time …**

Dead silence. All those that didn't know, namely his parents, the demons and those not from his world, were looking at him as if they saw him for the first time. I didn't matter he was expecting it, though he was sure he would need to give a lot of explanations to his parents.

The silence was broken by Ares. "Kid, do you mind if I adopt you?"


	2. The Book

Artemis sighed inwardly as everyone in the room looked at him, Ares excited, Athena calculating, his parents horrified, his friends amused with his predicament and the rest suspicious.

"Will everyone please relax? While that was a possible outcome of my actions, from an outsider's point of view, it was never what I was after. Nor would I let it reach that point." He reassured them.

Of course, nobody looked really reassured. Trouble's snort probably didn't help either.

Artemis glared at him. "Believe what you will, Kelp, but only a complete idiot would want a war. I am many things, but idiot is not one of them."

Trouble had no answer. Fowl was no idiot after all, and not even Mulch wouldn't be willing to risk the repercussions of calling him that.

Ares, meanwhile, was insulted. "Are you suggesting that I'm an idiot, punk?" He growled, his eyes glowing even more than usual as he did.

Percy and Artemis opened their mouth to inform Ares that, yes, he was an idiot (though not in the same words), when they were beaten to the punch by Athena.

"It's a well-known fact that you are an idiot Ares. Moving on. I want to finish this book sometime this century."

Ares fumed as Holly laughed. Everyone turned to her and she waved them off. "I said something similar once, that's all."

Artemis was interested. "Really? Goblin, Verbil or Kelp? Either of the two."

"Trouble isn't an idiot, Artemis." Holly admonished him before Trouble could explode, though she looked as if she was trying to stifle a laugh.

Artemis lifted an eyebrow. "There are certain incidents in his record that would indicate otherwise. One, in particular, would suggest that his IQ is almost lower than that of his namesake. You should know what I'm talking about. You were involved as well. It was a truly disastrous, albeit amusing, affair. "

It took Holly and Trouble a second to realize what he was talking about, but when they did, Holly blushed slightly and Trouble made a remarkable imitation of Root.

"How do you know about that, Mud Man? And where did you find my record?" Barked Trouble.

Root was also curious about that. He also wondered what incident they were talking about. True, during his earlier days there were some instances where Trouble's performance was somewhat less than stellar, but nothing as bad as what the Mud Boy was implying.

Foaly, on the other hand, was silently imploring Artemis to have mercy on him and conceal the truth of the matter.

Silly centaur. Artemis Fowl has no mercy whatsoever. "It was in Foaly's files of course. Both your record and a video of the..._incident_."

Holly and Trouble glared at the centaur, but at the moment they were the least of his worries.

"Foaly," began Root in a calm tone that told everyone that knew him that he was beyond pissed off. "you are telling me that you allowed a Mud Boy, THIS Mud Boy, access to your files?"

Foaly whined. "Of course I didn't. He's always hacking into my files. And I'm hacking into his. It's...well, I suppose you could call it something like a friendly competition."

Root was not at all satisfied with this answer, as the progressively worsening colour of his face let everyone know, but before he could clearly (and loudly) inform Foaly that for the next century a miniscule budget would be the least of his problems, Artemis intervened.

"Foaly, I would suggest that you find out everything that's in _your_ files before worrying about what's in mine."

Three elves and one centaur looked at him suspiciously. "Did you put something in my files, Mud Boy?"

Artemis smiled. "Just a little gift in case my last plan didn't work out."

Everyone that knew what he was talking about sobered up immediately. The rest were understandably confused. A normal state of affairs when dealing with Artemis Fowl.

"Anything I need to know, Artemis?" asked his father, narrowing his eyes at his son.

Artemis waved his father off. "You'll find out later." He would have added it wasn't anything important, but that would not only be a complete lie (which was simply crude, half truths were much better), it would also be false modesty. Artemis Fowl doesn't do false modesty. Also, Holly looked like she would punch him (again) if he said it.

"Now then, perhaps we should continue with the reading?" he asked, deciding he should derail any further questioning.

Athena looked around waiting to see if anybody had anything to add before continuing.

**CHAPTER 1: THE BOOK **she read. Immediately all the fairies groaned while Artemis smiled smugly.

**HO Chi Minh City in the summer. Sweltering by anyone's standards. Needless to say, Artemis Fowl would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake. Important to the plan.**

"Ooh, a plan. I like the sound of that. Sooo, what's the plan?" interjected Hermes excitedly.

"If you stay quiet you'll find out." admonished Athena. Truth be told, she was just as curious, though she would never admit it out loud.

**Sun did not suit Artemis. He did not look well in it. Long hours indoors in front of the monitor had bleached the glow from his skin. He was white as a vampire and almost as testy in the light of day.**

Everyone turned to Artemis. He _was_ pale, but not nearly as bad as what they just heard.

Holly smirked. "You should thanks us, Arty. If nothing else, thanks to us you got a chance to get out of the house more often."

Artemis sighed theatrically. "That's true I suppose. Though I could do with less near-death experiences."

"I hear you. These do get old after a while." added Percy, the rest of the demigods nodding their agreement.

Holly was less than impressed. "Correct me if I'm wrong, Mud Boy, but I think that almost always it's _your_ plans that get us into these near-death situations and then it's up to the rest of us, usually me, to get us out, with you being little more than dead weight."

"Different from you then." whispered Percy in Annabeth's ear.

"From a certain point of view you are right. Though in that case I have to ask… just where would you be without these plans of mine?"

Holly was reluctant to answer. Her friends had no such qualms.

"Dead." said Foaly immediately.

"In a troll's stomach." added Mulch gleefully.

"Being experimented on by Mud Men." continued No.1 nostalgically.

"Lost in space and time." concluded Qwan sagely.

Artemis smirked smugly.

"Okay, maybe not so different after all." amended Percy.

"…Just go on with the reading."

**'I hope this isn't another wild-goose chase, Butler,' he said, his voice soft and clipped. 'Especially after Cairo.'**

**It was a gentle rebuke. They had travelled to Egypt on the word of Butler's informant.**

**'No, sir. I'm certain this time. Nguyen is a good man.'**

**'Hmm,' droned Artemis, unconvinced. Passers-by would have been amazed to hear the large Eurasian refer to the boy as sir. This was, after all, the third millennium. But this was no ordinary relationship, and these were no ordinary tourists.**

Everyone that knew Artemis sighed and spoke simultaneously. "Nothing is ever ordinary with Artemis Fowl."

Artemis was pleased. For him that was the highest compliment.

**They were sitting outside a kerbside cafe on Dong Khai Street, watching the local teenagers circle the square on mopeds.**

**Nguyen was late, and the pathetic patch of shade provided by the umbrella was doing little to improve Artemis's mood. But this was just his daily pessimism. Beneath the sulk was a spark of hope. Could this trip actually yield results? Would they find the Book? It was too much to hope for.**

**A waiter scurried to their table. **

**'More tea, sirs?' he asked, head bobbing furiously.**

**Artemis sighed. 'Spare me the theatrics and sit down.'**

**The waiter turned instinctively to Butler, who was, after all, the adult.**

**'But, sir, I am the waiter.'**

**Artemis tapped the table for attention.**

**'You are wearing handmade loafers, a silk shirt and three gold signet rings. Your English has a tinge of Oxford about it and your nails have the soft sheen of the recently manicured. You are not a waiter. You are our contact, Nguyen Xuan, and you have adopted this pathetic disguise to discreetly check for weaponry.'**

Athena nodded approvingly while Holly sighed resignedly. "Can't you resist your urge to show of for once?"

Artemis actually had the gall to look insulted. "I'm not showing off, I'm simply making sure to make everything clear for those of lesser intelligence."

"Not everyone around you is an idiot Artemis." Angeline admonished her son.

Artemis lifted an eyebrow. "From a normal perspective that's true." he acquiesced. "However, compared to me, almost everyone _is_ an idiot. And, no, I'm not saying who the exceptions are, figure it out on your own."

Annabeth winced. "Hubris." she whispered, reminded uncomfortably of her own fatal flaw.

But Juliet heard her and shook her head. "Arty really is that smart, princess."

"Don't call me princess!"

Athena ignored the general giggling that followed her daughter's outburst and resumed reading.

**Nguyen's shoulders sagged. 'It is true. Amazing.'**

**'Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make.'**

**Nguyen sat, pouring some mint tea into a tiny china cup.**

**'Let me fill you in on the weapons status,' continued Artemis. 'I am unarmed. But Butler here, my…ah…butler, has a Sig Sauer in his shoulder holster, two shrike throwing knives in his boots, a derringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch and three stun grenades concealed in various pockets. Anything else, Butler?'**

**'The cosh, sir.'**

**'Oh yes. A good old ball-bearing cosh stuffed down his shirt.'**

That's where all the demigods would take several steps away from the bodyguard if they could. Well, all the demigods except Clarisse who looked impressed.

As for the gods... Ares was looking at Butler appreciatevely while Hermes was curious. "Okay, isn't all that kind of going overboard?"

Butler shook his head. "There's no such thing as 'overboard' when it comes to being prepeared."

Artemis smiled. "Best lesson you ever taught me, old friend."

Butler accepted the compliment, but didn't believe it. Artemis Fowl at his most careless would plan for eventualites that Butler at his most paranoid wouldn't even think off. Of course, Artemis Fowl was never careless and Butler was always at his most paranoid, but that's beside the point.

**Nguyen brought the cup trembling to his lips.**

**'Don't be alarmed, Mister Xuan,' smiled Artemis. 'The weapons will not be used on you.'**

Something that sounded suspicously like a whine came from Ares. Everyone ignored it, though Hermes, Haephestus and Athena took note for future blackmail.

**Nguyen didn't seem reassured.**

"I wouldn't be either." whispered Leo. That guy was giving him some seriously bad vibes.

**'No,' continued Artemis. 'Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without the use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.'**

Ares brightened back up, impressed once again. That kid could threaten with the best of them. Even if he was a scrawny runt.

Everyone else from the Greek-Roman side, on the other hand were seriously creeped out. That was supposed to be a twelve-year old?

**Nguyen was by now thoroughly spooked. Artemis generally had that effect on people. A pale adolescent speaking with the authority and vocabulary of a powerful adult. Nguyen had heard the name Fowl before - who hadn't in the international underworld? -** (Artemis Snr wilted under the glare of his wife and actually looked ashamed. If Artemis Jnr was anything other than proud, he didn't show it.)** but he'd assumed he'd be dealing with Artemis Senior, not this boy. Though the word 'boy' hardly seemed to do this gaunt individual justice. And the giant, Butler. It was obvious that he could snap a man's backbone like a twig with those mammoth hands. Nguyen was starting to think that no amount of money was worth another minute in this strange company.**

Mulch laughed. "I think that every time, and I'm not even getting paid!"

Holly rolled her eyes. "You're pretty much the only one here that always comes out ahead at the end of our adventures, you know. I don't think you have reason to complain."

Mulch pouted. "That's true I suppose, but I still want to try robbing Fort Knox with Artemis."

Said young man laughed as well. "All in good time, Mulch, all in good time."

Mulch looked pleased with the prospect, Holly facepalmed, Butler smiled half fondly and half ruefully, and everyone else was about to admonish/attempt to dissuade him when they were interrupted by Hermes, who was jumping excited on his seat. "Oooh. Can I help? Pretty please? With ambrosia on top?"

"No." answered Artemis immediately.

Hermes deflated. "But whyyyy?"

"For one, because I don't think you exist in our world, and for another because there would be no challenge if the god of thievery helped."

Having no answer to this, Hermes did the adult thing. He started sulking.

**'And now to business,' said Artemis, placing a micro recorder on the table. 'You answered our web advertisement.'**

**Nguyen nodded, suddenly praying his information was accurate.**

"Just out of curiosity, what would you do if his information wasn't accurate?" interrupted Holly.

"I would refuse to pay him, threaten him enough to make sure he would stay quiet and destroy his repution as an informant."

Holly stared at him searchingly. "Are you sure that's what you would do?"

Artemis sighed. "Okay, it's what I would do now." he admitted.

"And what would you do then?"

Artemis sighed again. "Let's just say I woudn't kill him and leave it at that, shall we?"

Holly stared at him a little more before nodding. "You are lucky I know you are no longer the same person, Artemis."

"Considering it was thanks to you that I changed, I would worry if you didn't know it. Last I checked I was the one with the... memory problems."

She smiled. "It was a team effort , Arty, I can't get all the credit."

"True, but it was you that started the project and did most of the work." and then more softly he added. "And you didn't give up on me when you had every reason to."

"Yeah, well, you didn't exactly make it easy."

Artemis looked away. "No. No I didn't."

Butler put a supporting hand on his charge's shoulder, while various people where exchanging looks and whispers.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" whispered Angeline to her husband, not leaving her son from her sight.

He shook his head. "Can't be. He's smart enough to know that would never end well."

But his wife looked at him sadly. "Not even our son can control what to feel."

"Are you also feeling that we are listening to something we shouldn't?" Whispered Leo to Jason.

"Big time." nodded Jason.

"Did anything... juicy happen between these two and we actually missed it?" whispered Mulch to Foaly.

Foaly frowned. "The idea boggles the mind, I'll admit. But something obviously happened."

"Want to ask/tease them about it?"

"Want to have Artemis Fowl and Holly Short actually mad at you?"

"No thank you. This dwarf is rather attached to his life."

"Athena, could you please go on?"

Athena's head turned sharply towards the source of the question. She never would have expected Aphrodite to be interested in any book. Not even trashy romance novels. She preferred actually interfering with people's love lives rather than read about it. What's more, Aphrodite wasn't even looking at her. Instead, she was staring intently at Artemis and Holly, looking as if she was trying to solve a particularly difficult riddle.

Curious, Athena decided to do something she rarely did. She talked to Aphrodite mentally.

Of course, like all the gods (except Hestia), Athena liked hearing the sound of her own voice. (Which was pretty annoying for the rest of Olympus who had to suffer the shouting of at least three of these idiots at any time of the day. Until Hestia put her foot down and practically ordered them to keep their arguments for the councils and spend as much of the rest of their time as possible to their own homes/realms. Which is why Olympus was pretty much deserted any time a council happened.) Nonetheless, she decided to be discreet this time.

"_Please tell me you are not thinking of messing up with their love life."_

The answer sounded surprisingly frustrated. _"I don't have to. They managed to make a complete mess out of it on their own. So much so that I don't know if even I could fix it. Which means they find it pretty much impossible. So hurry up and read, I need to know exactly what happened."_

Relieved and no longer feeling like the Norse gods charged in out of nowhere and brought Ragnarok along with them (It had happened before. World War II wouldn't have been nearly as bad if those Norse barbarians had kept their own mess out of the Greeks' mess.), Athena turned her attention back to the book in her hands.

**'Yes, Mister…Master Fowl. What you're looking for…I know where it is.'**

**'Really? And am I supposed to take your word for this? You could be walking me straight into an ambush. My family is not without enemies.'**

Artemis Snr. Shook his head ruefully. "I don't think there's ever been a Fowl who didn't add at least three people to that list."

Artemis was surprised. "You mean one of our ancestors actually managed to make only three enemies in his lifetime?"

"I think he was my great-great-great-grandfather's youngest brother. He was a monk. He died from illness, completely broke. At least that's the story I was told. My grandfather's version of a cautionary tale."

"...I'm sorely tempted to ask Foaly to wipe that particular fact from my mind."

**Butler snatched a mosquito out of the air beside his employer's ear.**

**'No, no,' said Nguyen, reaching for his wallet. 'Here, look.'**

**Artemis studied the Polaroid. He willed his heart to maintain a calm beat. It seemed promising, but anything could be faked these days with a PC and flatbed scanner. The picture showed a hand reaching from layered shadows. A mottled green hand.**

Root groaned. "Probably a fairy with goblin blood or a sprite. Why am I not surprised?"

"Why is that?" asked Athena.

"Not counting trolls, goblins and sprites are the stupidest of the People. Though one could make a case about the dwarves..." explained Foaly.

"Bite me, donkey-man."

**'Hmm,' he murmured. 'Explain.'**

**'This woman. She is a healer, near Tu Do Street. She works in exchange for rice wine. All the time, drunk.'**

Root groaned even louder. "Alcohol. It's always alcohol. Why can't these runaways and self-exiles ever stay sober? As if they aren't enough trouble as it is."

**Artemis nodded. It made sense. The drinking. One of the few consistent facts his research had unearthed. He stood, smoothing the creases from his white polo shirt.**

**'Very well. Lead on, Mister Nguyen.'**

**Nguyen wiped the sweat from his stringy moustache.**

**'Information only. That was the agreement. I don't want any curses on my head.'**

"Yeah, those tend to be annoying." muttered Percy.

**Butler expertly gripped the informant behind the neck.**

**'I'm sorry, Mister Nguyen, but the time when you had a choice in matters is long past.'**

**Butler steered the protesting Vietnamese to a rented four-wheel drive that was hardly necessary on the flat streets of Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon as the locals still called it, but Artemis preferred to be as insulated from civilians as possible.**

"Really lucky for the civilians, that. Arty is nothing but trouble." interjected Mulch.

"For the last time, dwarf, don't call me like that."

**The jeep inched forward at a painfully slow rate, made all the more excruciating by the anticipation building in Artemis's chest. He could suppress it no longer. Could they at last be at the end of their quest? After six false alarms across three continents, could this wine-sodden healer be the gold at the end of the rainbow? Artemis almost chuckled. Gold at the end of the rainbow. He'd made a joke. Now there's something that didn't happen every day.**

Everyone looked at Artemis weirdly. "That's your idea of a joke?" asked Hermes, looking as if he couldn't believe it.

Artemis ignored them.

**The mopeds parted like fish in a giant shoal. There seemed to be no end to the crowds. Even the alleyways were full to bursting with vendors and hagglers. Cooks dropped fish heads into woks of hissing oil, and urchins threaded their way underfoot, searching for unguarded valuables. Others sat in the shade, wearing out their thumbs on Gameboys.**

**Nguyen was sweating right through his khaki top. It wasn't the humidity, he was used to that. It was this whole cursed situation. He should have known better than to mix magic and crime. He made a silent promise that if he got out of this, he would change his ways. No more answering shady Internet requests, and certainly no more consorting with the sons of European crime lords.**

"Well, at least something good came out of this." sighed Angeline.

"Did he actually change his ways?" asked Percy curiously.

"Surprisingly enough, yes. When I tried to hire him again sometime later, not only he refused me, he even moved to a different city the very same day."

"I can't imagine why." said Holly dryly.

**The jeep could go only so far. Eventually the side streets grew too narrow for the four-wheel drive. Artemis turned to Nguyen. 'It seems we must proceed on foot, Mister Nguyen. Run if you like, but expect a sharp and fatal pain between your shoulder blades.'**

Angeline frowned at her son. "Was it really necessary to threaten him every two sentences, Arty?"

"Well, he did look like he was waiting for an opportunity to run away as fast as his legs could carry him. He actually seemed to find the possibility of getting cursed to be more scary than me."

"And we can't have that, now can we?" muttered Leo sarcastically.

"No, we cannot." deadpanned Artemis looking Leo straight in the eyes.

Mulch snorted. "Trust me kid, a curse is much more merciful that Fowl would be if you got on his bad side."

**Nguyen glanced into Butler's eyes. They were a deep blue, almost black. There was no mercy in those eyes. 'Don't worry,' he said. 'I won't run.'**

**They climbed down from the vehicle. A thousand suspicious eyes followed their progress along the steaming alley. An unfortunate pickpocket attempted to steal Butler's wallet. The manservant broke the man's fingers without looking down. **(Hermes frowned at that.)** They were given a wide berth after that.**

**The alley narrowed to a rutted lane. Sewage and drainpipes fed directly on to the muddy surface. Cripples and beggars huddled on rice-mat islands. Most of the residents of this lane had nothing to spare, with the exception of three.**

**'Well?' demanded Artemis. 'Where is she?'**

**Nguyen jabbed a finger towards a black triangle beneath a rusted fire escape.**

**'There. Under there. She never comes out. Even to buy rice spirits, she sends a runner. Now, can I go?'**

**Artemis didn't bother answering. Instead he picked his way across the puddled lane to the lee of the fire escape. He could discern furtive movements in the shadows.**

**'Butler, could you hand me the goggles?'**

**Butler plucked a set of night-vision glasses from his belt and placed them in Artemis's outstretched hand. The focus motor buzzed to suit the light.**

**Artemis fixed the glasses to his face. Everything became radioactive green. Taking a deep breath, he turned his gaze to the squirming shadows. Something squatted on a raffia mat, shifting uneasily in the almost non-existent light. Artemis fine-tuned the focus. The figure was small, abnormally so, and wrapped in a filthy shawl. Empty spirit jugs were half-buried in the mud around her. One forearm poked from the material. It seemed green. But then, so did everything else.**

**'Madam,' he said, 'I have a proposition for you.'**

**The figure's head wobbled sleepily.**

**'Wine,' she rasped, her voice like nails on a school board. 'Wine, English.'**

**Artemis smiled. The gift of tongues, aversion to light. Check, check.**

The fairies groaned (again). "You're telling me there are enough rumors and info out there to figure out that much? Especially about the tongue gift? And don't get me started on the Book." asked Trouble.

Artemis smirked. "Not any more. I removed most of it after the goblin mess. My way of returning the favor, as it were."

"Thanks for that. Though I really should keep a closer eye to that in the future." said Foaly, sounding relieved.

Root glared at the centaur. "Yes, you really should."

**'Irish, actually. Now, about my proposition?'**

**The healer shook a bony finger craftily. 'Wine first. Then talk.'**

**'Butler?'**

**The bodyguard reached into a pocket and drew out a half-pint of the finest Irish whiskey. Artemis took the bottle and held it teasingly beyond the shadows. He barely had time to remove his goggles when the claw-like hand darted from the gloom to snatch the whiskey. A mottled green hand. There was no doubt.**

**Artemis swallowed a triumphant grin.**

**'Pay our friend, Butler. In full. Remember, Mister Nguyen, this is between us. You don't want Butler to come back, do you?'**

**'No, no, Master Fowl. My lips are sealed.'**

**'They had better be. Or Butler will seal them permanently.'**

"Artemis..."

"Hold that thought Holly. In a while you'll have a better reason to be angry at me, so save it for then."

"That's not reassuring me at all, just so you know."

"It wasn't supposed to."

**Nguyen skipped off down the alley, so relieved to be alive that he didn't even bother counting the sheaf of US currency. Most unlike him. In any event, it was all there. All twenty thousand dollars. Not bad for half an hour's work.**

"I can't help but notice that Artemis pays even his temporary partners much better than you were paying me, Holly." complained Mulch.

"He's also several orders of magnitude richer than me, Mulch."

"Anything I should now, Captain?" Root's glare was back in full force.

"You wouldn't believe us even if we told you, so wait until we read about it."

**Artemis turned back to the healer.**

**'Now, madam, you have something that I want.'**

**The healer's tongue caught a drop of alcohol at the corner of her mouth.**

**'Yes, Irish. Sore head. Bad tooth. I heal.'**

**Artemis replaced the night-vision goggles and squatted to her level.**

**'I am perfectly healthy, madam, apart from a slight dust-mite allergy, and I don't think even you can do anything about that. No. What I want from you is your Book.'**

"You can heal allergies?" asked Apollo the fairies curiously.

Holly sighed. "We can't unfortunately. The witch doctors have been trying for centuries, but the best they can do is heal the symptoms, not heal the allergies themselves. Unless the demons have figured out how to do it?" she look at Qwan questioningly.

But the warlock shook his head. "In theory its possible, but in practice it's impossible. We would have to alter the organism itself while at the same time leaving it fundamentally the same. It requires too much finesse and too little power. It's nothing so simple like turning someone to stone and back. We could experiment in order to figure it out, but every failure would end up with the patient liquifying or something equally...problematic."

**The hag froze. Bright eyes glinted from beneath the shawl.**

**'Book?' she said cautiously. 'I don't know about no book. I am healer. You want book, go to library.'**

"At least she's not a complete moron." whispered Root.

**Artemis sighed with exaggerated patience. 'You are no healer. You are a sprite, p'shóg, fairy, ka-dalun. Whichever language you prefer to use. And I want your Book.'**

**For a long moment the creature said nothing, then she threw back the shawl from her forehead. In the green glow of the night-vision goggles, her features leaped at Artemis like a Hallowe'en mask. The fairy's nose was long and hooked under two slitted golden eyes. Her ears were pointed, and the alcohol addiction had melted her skin like putty.**

Everyone winced.

**'If you know about the Book, human,' she said slowly, fighting the numbing effects of the whiskey, 'then you know about the magic I have in my fist. I can kill you with a snap of my fingers!'**

**Artemis shrugged. 'I think not. Look at you. You are near dead. The rice wine has dulled your senses. Reduced to healing warts. Pathetic. I am here to save you, in return for the Book.'**

Every fairy turned to Artemis, surprised. "Save her? What do you mean save her?"

**'What could a human want with our Book?'**

**'That is no concern of yours. All you need to know are your options.'**

**The sprite's pointed ears quivered. Options?**

**'One, you refuse to give us the Book and we go home, leaving you to rot in this sewer.'**

**'Yes,' said the fairy. 'I choose this option.'**

**'Ah no. Don't be so eager. If we leave without the Book, you will be dead in a day.'**

The fairies paled. "What did do you do Fowl?" growled Trouble.

**'A day! A day!'The healer laughed. 'I will outlive you by a century. Even fairies tethered to the human realm can survive the ages.'**

**'Not with half a pint of holy water inside them,' said Artemis, tapping the now empty whiskey bottle.**

Athena was interrupted by the pandemonium that erupted from the fairies, some of which looked like they wanted Artemis' head on a pike, though she noticed that Holly didn't react like the rest. In fact she didn't react at all. Either she already knew, or was waiting to hear the rest of it.

Wanting both to calm them down and satisfy her curiosity, she spoke. "Excuse me, but what's wrong with holy water? I don't think there's anything special in it that would make it poisonous to several different species."

It was Qwan who answered. "It's a curse. Several centuries ago, there was a large group of warlocks that converted to Christianity and moved above ground to live in a monastery. As you can imagine, we couldn't allow that. We retrieved them, imprisoned them, and wiped the memories of the monks that were with them, but once they were free they gathered together and placed a curse on the People: from that moment, drinking or even touching holy water or entering a church would swiftly lead to death."

Satisfied with the answer, Athena quickly turned back to reading in order to prevent the fairies from starting to shout again.

**The fairy blanched, then screamed, a high keening horrible sound.**

**'Holy water! You have murdered me, human.'**

**'True,' admitted Artemis. 'It should start to burn any minute now.'**

**The fairy poked her stomach tentatively. 'The second option?'**

**'Listening now, are we? Very well then. Option two. You give me the Book for thirty minutes only. Then I return your magic to you.'**

Once again all the fairies turned to Artemis, but this time they were gobsmacked. Even they usually unflappable Qwan. "That's impossible, human. Once magic has been lost, you can't return it no matter what. Not to mention you still have to heal her from the holy water, which also has never happened before."

Artemis smiled mysteriously. "Perhaps it depends on the reason the magic was lost in the first place. As for the holy water, maybe you never tried thinking outside the box. Foaly probably would have come up with it, if he ever had reason to think about it."

Foaly was indeed thinking about it and he believed he had figured it out though he still couldn't figure out how Fowl had returned her magic to her, which irked him to no end. Nonetheless, he turned to Athena, urging her to continue reading, eager to see if he was right.

**The sprite's jaw dropped. 'Return my magic? Not possible.'**

**'Oh but it is. I have in my possession two ampoules. One, a vial of spring water from the fairy well sixty metres below the ring of Tara - possibly the most magical place on earth. This will counteract the holy water.'**

Foaly laughed triumphantly while Qwan smacked his forehead. "Of course. Pure natural magic that has accumulated over the course of millenia. It would definitely be potent enough to counteract a magical curse. Why didn't we think of this before?"

**'And the other?'**

**'The other is a little shot of man-made magic. A virus that feeds on alcohol, mixed with a growth reagent. It will flush every drop of rice wine from your body, remove the dependence and even bolster your failing liver. It'll be messy, but after a day you'll be zipping around as though you were a**

**thousand years old again.'**

The fairies turned to Artemis so fast you would think their heads would fly off but none of them seem to have words.

"Genius." it was Foaly that let out that one whispered word and it told everyone involved how important and outrageous this was. "Of couse it would be painful as all hell and would heal only the physical aspect of the addiction, not the mental one, and yes it would work only in this case of lost magic, when alcohol is the reason, but this is still ingenious. I suppose you made the concoction yourself?"

"Of course."

While the rest where shaking their head in disbelief -how could a 12-year old make something like that after all- Root made a very unexpected statement.

"Good thing you never shared that with us, Mud Boy." as his ex-subordinates turned towards him surprised, he added "Imagine what would happen if the civilians found out about that cure. We have enough trouble to deal with every day as it is, we don't need to add drunkards in the mix."

**The sprite licked her lips. To be able to rejoin the People? Tempting.**

**'How do I know to trust you, human? You have tricked me once already.'**

**'Good point. Here's the deal. I give you the water on faith. Then, after I've had a look at the Book, you get the booster. Take it or leave it.'**

**The fairy considered. The pain was already curling around her abdomen. She thrust out her wrist.**

**'I take it.'**

**'I thought you might. Butler?'**

**The giant manservant unwrapped a soft Velcroed case containing a syringe gun and two vials. He loaded the clear one, shooting it into the sprite's clammy arm. The fairy stiffened momentarily, and then relaxed.**

**'Strong magic,' she breathed.**

**'Yes. But not as strong as your own will be when I give you the second injection. Now, the Book.'**

"So that's how you got it." Muttered Holly to herself, then turned to Artemis and... punched him in the face.

It was no playful hit, but a serious punch that would have sent him clear of the sofa if Butler wasn't there to catch him. Everyone looked on surprised, the demigods especially half-expecting Butler to strangle the elf or something, but Artemis calmly righted himself and, rubbing his already beginning to bruise cheek, said "So I'm forgiven?"

Holly placed a finger on his cheek, a blue spark wiping the bruise away. "You are, but only because I know you wouldn't do it now Arty. I still felt like beating you to a pulp for a moment."

"You really should do something about that aggressiveness of yours, Holly."

"Only if you stop making dastardly plans all the time."

"For the sixteenth time, my plans are NOT dastardly."

"Yeah, sure, and Mulch doesn't stink."

"Hey, what did I do? Leave me out of your lovers spat... I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please stop glaring at me like that. Sheesh, you two are scary when you gang up on someone."

"Can I continue reading now or you still aren't done?" Intervened Athena sounding annoyed. Amusing as this was, she was curious to see what would happen. Not to mention it would let her better understand their visitors and their interactions with each other.

**The sprite reached into the folds of her filthy robe, rummaging for an age. Artemis held his breath. This was it. Soon the Fowls would be great again. A new empire would rise, with Artemis**

**Fowl the Second at its head.**

Silence for a moment, then... "Arty, coming from you that doesn't sound nearly as funny as it should." Juliet voiced everyone's opinion.

**The fairy woman withdrew a closed fist.**

**'No use to you anyway. Written in the old tongue.'**

**Artemis nodded, not trusting himself to speak.**

**She opened her knobbly fingers. Lying in her palm was a tiny golden volume the size of a matchbox.**

**'Here, human. Thirty of your minutes. No more.'**

**Butler took the tiny tome reverentially. The bodyguard activated a compact digital camera and began photographing each wafer-thin page of the Book. The process took several minutes. When he was finished, the entire volume was stored on the camera's chip. Artemis preferred not to take chances with information. Airport security equipment had been known to wipe many a vital disk. So he instructed his aide to transfer the file to his portable phone and from there e-mail it to Fowl**

**Manor in Dublin. Before the thirty minutes were up, the file containing every symbol in the Fairy Book was sitting safely in the Fowl server.**

**Artemis returned the tiny volume to its owner.**

**'Nice doing business with you.'**

**The sprite lurched to her knees. 'The other potion, human?'**

**Artemis smiled. 'Oh yes, the restoring booster. I suppose I did promise.'**

**'Yes. Human promised.'**

**'Very well. But before we administer it, I must warn you that purging is not pleasant. You're not going to enjoy this one bit.'**

**The fairy gestured around her at the squalid filth. 'You think I enjoy this? I want to fly again.'**

Root growled. "Trust a sprite to betray our civilization just so she could fly again."

**Butler loaded the second vial, shooting this one straight into the carotid artery.**

**The sprite immediately collapsed on the mat, her entire frame quivering violently.**

**'Time to leave,' commented Artemis. 'A hundred years of alcohol leaving a body by any means possible is not a pretty sight.'**

**The Butlers had been serving the Fowls for centuries. It had always been the way. Indeed there were several eminent linguists of the opinion that this was how the noun originated. The first record of this unusual arrangement was when Virgil Butler had been contracted as servant, bodyguard and cook to Lord Hugo de Pole for one of the first great Norman crusades.**

**At the age of ten, Butler children were sent to a private training centre in Israel, where they were taught the specialized skills necessary to guard the latest in the Fowl line. These skills included cordon bleu cooking, marksmanship, a customized blend of martial arts, emergency medicine and information technology. If, at the end of their training, there was not a Fowl to guard, then the Butlers were eagerly snapped up as bodyguards for various royal personages, generally in Monaco or Saudi Arabia.**

**Once a Fowl and a Butler were put together, they were paired for life. It was a demanding job, and lonely, but the rewards were handsome if you survived to enjoy them. If not, then your family received a six-figure settlement plus a monthly pension.**

**The current Butler had been guarding young Master Artemis for twelve years, since the moment of his birth. And, though they adhered to the age-old formalities, they were much more than master and servant. Artemis was the closest thing Butler had to a friend, and Butler was the closest Artemis had to a father, albeit one who obeyed orders.**

Artemis' parents looked ashamed at this, but he simply smiled reassuringly at them. Raw as these wounds might have been once, they had since healed.

**Butler held his tongue until they were aboard the Heathrow connection from Bangkok, then he had to ask.**

**'Artemis?'**

**Artemis looked up from the screen of his PowerBook. He was getting a head start on the translation.**

**'Yes?'**

**'The sprite. Why didn't we simply keep the Book and leave her to die?'**

"Butler!" Holly sounded a lot more shocked than when she heard about Artemis' actions for some reason.

The bodyguard was unapologetic. "There's a time and a place for conscience, Holly. I would gladly burden it if it meant Artemis' safety. As I saw it, leaving her alive could create problems down the road. Just be thankful Artemis decided otherwise."

**'A corpse is evidence, Butler. My way, the People will have no reason to be suspicious.'**

**'But the sprite?'**

**'I hardly think she will confess to showing humans the Book. In any case, I mixed a slight amnesiac into her second injection. When she finally wakes up, the last week will be a blur.'**

**Butler nodded appreciatively. Always two steps ahead, that was Master Artemis. People said he was a chip off the old block. They were wrong. Master Artemis was a brand-new block, the likes of which had never been seen before.**

"Is there any particular reason you're trying to make the Mud Boy's overly inflated head even larger, Butler?" asked Mulch, his face full of mock(?) horror at the idea.

"If it makes you feel any better, I never said it out loud."

"Besides, Mr. Diggums, if we're talking about overly inflated, well, anything really, I would think you're our resident expert." added Artemis.

**Doubts assuaged, Butler returned to his copy of Guns and Ammo, leaving his employer to unravel the secrets of the universe.**

While Athena was eager to continue reading to see how Artemis was going to translate a completely alien language with no point of reference (an interest no one save her daughter and Foaly shared), she was interrupted by a flash of light that announced the return of the Moirae.

"Pardon us for the interruption, but we realized we forgot to invite some in this little gathering." said Clotho, and, not giving anyone time to reply, they were gone with another flash of light, only to be replaced by a different figure.

It was a very normal looking and very inconspicuous Asian lady. Or she would be inconspicuous if it wasn't for the fact that, as soon as they saw her, the Butler siblings jumped to their feet, their faces devoid of all colour.

"Sensei?/Madame?"


End file.
